We were only going to babysit our grandson for the weekend. One small human for this seasoned mother of six. Piece of cake. The tour of the house seemed a little odd.
“Where''s the lever to lower this crib rail?” I mumbled groping the wooden bars.
“Oh, they outlawed those mom” my daughter warned. “I think they killed people.”
“So how do I get him in?”
“Like this.” She took a running start and heaved the tot like a quarterback in the end zone dropping him with a thud.
I opted to just do something simple like get the kid into pajamas. I grabbed a pair that were just right for Barbie and Ken. “What are these doll clothes doing in here?”
“Mom, it's the new fire safety sleepwear. They're all like that now.”
“How would clothing the size of a cough drop save him in a fire?”
“I'm not sure. But the experts study this stuff.”
I pulled open a drawer and my arm knocked over something that hissed back at me. “What is this thing?”
“That's his noise machine. He needs it to sleep. It has four hundred and seventeen different authentic sounds like rain, ocean waves, a vacuum cleaner. Didn't we have something like this when we were young?”
“Yes, it was called brothers and sisters. The actual vacuum. The actual rain.” She looked suspicious.
Leading me into the living room she motioned to another strange looking object. “You might need some help with his car seat.”
“That? I thought it was a new couch.”
“Look, pay attention. You click it into these wheels and push it to the car door and then text this number and three weight lifters will arrive to hoist it into the backseat. Are you taking notes?”
“Uh, sure. Hey why is your toothpaste in the kitchen?”
“Mom, that's his food. You just squeeze the tube of non gmo, organic, natural, gluten free slime into his mouth three times a day.” Okay, that's not really what she said but I think it was something about carrots, or applesauce. Or maybe drain cleaner. I'm not sure.
She zeroed in on the final instructions. “Okay, and don't forget a nap, but no blankets of course.”
“You're a barrel of laughs. No, for the baby, silly. His pediatrician says blankets can kill.”
Okay, I might not be fully equipped to keep a child alive in 2018 but I knew right away who could help. If Polly pocket is available, we have the pajamas.