Erma Bombeck Writing Competition  

Photo of Erma Bombeck
"Hook 'em with the lead. Hold 'em with laughter. Exit with a quip they won't forget." ˜ Erma Bombeck
The Erma Bombeck Writing Competition is now open!
Competition closes Tuesday, January 6, 2026 at 8 P.M. (EST)

2012 Honorable Mention - Humor - Global

"Goodbye Old Flame" - Written By: Wanda Argersinger - Gulf Breeze, FL, United States
I never thought it would come to this, but it’s over Bill. I’m leaving.

This codependent relationship has been dead for years. It’s time I make my way.

I have never been the risk taker, but I’m ready to try.

Your need to dominate has made my life impossible. I can no longer spell without those crazy red lines. I’ve forgotten what longhand is. My script is indecipherable and I’m tired of losing my files to your tantrums.

Don’t cry. Don’t try to talk me out of it. Don’t offer bribes and freebies and promised upgrades. It won’t work this time.

It’s time for honesty between us.

Bill, the temptation was too much for me. I have strayed and committed an egregious sin. I have eaten the forbidden fruit. I have purchased an iPad.

I touched its button. I ran my hands over its skin. I was smitten with its built in Wi-Fi capabilities. Resistance was futile. I have seen the white.

I’ve am no longer deluded by your promises, by your patches, by the continual upgrades that always come at a price.

I have been a member of your cult, drinking the kool-aid and nodding “yes, I will buy.”

I ran my fingers over your keyboard through your DOS period. Oh the memories those command lines hold for me.

I was with you for the birth of Windows, Windows 2.0, Windows 3.0, and Windows 3.1. The tragedy of Windows ME put a huge strain on our relationship, but I believed in miracles.

I will always remember your face reflecting from the screen of Windows 95. You were so proud of your progeny. Windows 98 arrived a few years later. How you bragged.

Windows XP was great. You should have stopped there, but no, not you. You brought Windows Vista into our relationship. I was concerned, wondering why you thought an intermediary was necessary. Why not go straight? Is anything every enough?

There is now Windows 7, Office 2010, Paint something dot something and IE I don’t know. I blamed it on the children, but I was the one who installed Mozilla.

I can’t find the print button, the options have been buried in a no man’s land, and my default font has been lost for years. My brain is tired and I need a third party packer to handle the voluminous files.

I’ve lost more than respect for you, Bill. You have wanted too much and lost me in the bargain.

There will be others who come your way, young, eager unsuspecting, and buying your lies.

As for me, I’m done, finished, kaput, ruirnt. Run that through your spellchecker. You will find the word goodbye.

Sincerely,

Maddy A.S. Helinor


About the Author:

A confirmed Southerner, I revel in all the quirks of Southern life. In second grade, I wrote my first official story using the spelling words for the week. In 1992, I was diagnosed with lupus which turned my writing around and I began to concentrate on humor. Proceeds from my first book, Health Journal, go to The Lupus Support Network in an effort to help chronically ill patients. I have also authored Y-Mee’s A B C book of Emotions. Last year, three southern women and I each wrote a book to be published and sold as an anthology. Each of us used one of the four basic elements in our story. My book is titled Beyond The Fire which I hope will be published soon.