Erma Bombeck Writing Competition - Winners
2007
Erma Bombeck Writing Competition
1st Place - Humor - Dayton
Dave Hoskins
Dayton, Ohio
"Road Sage"
| The stoplight had barely turned green, but my hand was already descending on the horn. I reconsidered after a glance at the glossy black bumper sticker in front of me. MY MOOD RING SAYS BACK OFF it warned, and my impatience dissolved with a chuckle. I passed the rusty station wagon and caught a glimpse of its lone occupant, deciding that the bumper sticker was no attempt at a joke. Clearly more of a public service announcement, I vowed to look for more of these clues during my commute. At the next light, I glanced over at a woman chatting enthusiastically on her cell phone and wondered what catalyzed that much energy at this early hour. My question was answered as the light turned green. I’M NOT WITH STUPID ANYMORE her bumper sticker proclaimed and she scooted off somewhere toward a fresh start. Entering the highway, I was overtaken by a jet-black sports car. I caught a glimpse of STOPLIGHTS TIMED FOR 30 MPH ARE ALSO TIMED FOR 60 MPH as he cut into traffic and disappeared. I immediately tagged him the Driving Enthusiast and continued my search. The highway proved to be ripe with clues to its current inhabitants. There seemed to be a sticker for everyone and I wondered how I could have been so oblivious until now. Diversity was never more apparent as I encountered The Temptress (COME TO THE DARK SIDE – WE HAVE COOKIES) and The Traveler (SOUTH KOREA’S GOT SEOUL). Science and superiority coexisted, respectively proclaiming BLACK HOLES ARE WHERE GOD DIVIDED BY ZERO and THE MEEK SHALL INHERIT THE EARTH…AFTER WE’RE THROUGH WITH IT. Even those reluctant to pontificate from their Pontiac couldn’t help but feel the despair in WHAT IF THE HOKEY POKEY IS REALLY WHAT IT’S ALL ABOUT? I began to feel dizzy from the sensory overload. Every vehicle posed a fresh question or attitude and I struggled to process each bit of wisdom as it came into view. While noting to ALWAYS AVOID ALLITERATION my peripheral vision picked up the glow of brake lights ahead. Traffic was stopped, and I realized with sudden dread that the distance between me and the vehicle ahead was closing fast. Tires squealing, I stood on the brakes and eyed the bumper moving closer to my front grille. WATCH OUT FOR THE IDIOT BEHIND ME it admonished as I stopped inches from it. I looked up to see its owner examining me in his rear-view mirror, palms raised to the sky and shoulders shrugging as if to ask “What were you thinking?” IF TODAY WERE A FISH I’D THROW IT BACK was all that I could muster. |