Erma Bombeck Writing Competition - Winners
2006
Erma Bombeck Writing Competition
Honorable Mention
Humor - Global
Rae Frazier
Texico, Illinois
"A Moment of Silence for a Much-Loved Appliance"
| Last week we had a family emergency. It came without the least bit of warning and was a devestating shock. The microwave died. I tried not to panic. I attempted to keep my cool, hold back the tears, and think clearly. My first instinct was to revive it. I tried pushing buttons, flipping breakers, and finally resorted to pounding it fiercely - commanding its little carousel to turn. "Come on - don't fail me now!" I implored, pushing in on its metal sides as though it had a heart. When all attempts failed, I called the family in. We stood over the counter for a few moments of silence until the reality of the situation finally hit us. Our faces grew pale and sullen. "What are we going to do now?" my daughter Erin asked. "Yeah, how are you going to fix supper?" my husband questioned. "I don't know...," I said, biting my fingernails, trying to come up with a plan. "We could use the oven," Erin suggested. "Maybe...,"I said, shooting her an evil look, "but it will take FOR-EVER." "I'm hungry right now," my husband chimed in. "How about the Fry Daddy?" she asked. "No, can't cook a pot pie," I said. "The electric skillet?" "No, won't hold a frozen pizza." "The crock pot then," Erin sighed. "How are we going to get three TV dinners in the crock pot?" I stressed. "I'm hungry right now," my husband repeated. "Eat some crackers," I commanded sharply, trying to avoid a total breakdown, "and give me some time alone, will you, please?" I glanced over the metal carcass in disbelief. How could my microwave do this? I treated it with love and respect. I never once put a piece of foil in it, never cooked liver and onions on its rotating platter, and always kept the digital clock correct to the minute. "I'm going for carry-out," I informed my family, grabbing the car keys and flying out the door. So, this is what it was like before microwaves! How horrible it must have been for my mother! How in the world was I supposed to fix a Hot Pocket or warm up a muffin? Heaven forbid I would have to learn how to cook! An hour later I was back at home. The family took the loss quite well after I placed a bucket of chicken in front of their drooling lips. "That's not all," I said slyly, "Help me unload the new microwaves." "Microwaves? Why are there two of them?" my husband asked, opening the trunk. "Emergency back-up!" I said, with a Wonder Woman smile. |