Erma Bombeck Writing Competition - Winners
2006
Erma Bombeck Writing Competition
Honorable Mention
Human Interest - Global
Mary Fran Bontempo
Southampton, Pennsylvania
"All in a Day's Drama"
| The phone rang, as usual, at an inopportune time. “Well, how high is it today?” In the middle of fixing dinner, with one daughter having a meltdown over the computer and the other over lost dance shoes, I was in no mood for guessing games. “Give me a minute and I’ll see if I can fix it,” I called to one daughter. To the other, “Your dance shoes are in the laundry room.” Finally, “What are you talking about?” I asked my husband, as I turned my attention to the phone. “The drama-meter,” he said. “Sounds like it’s at about a seven.” “What in the world is the ‘drama-meter’?” I asked. “It’s what I use to decide when I’m going to come home and how much I should talk once I get there.” I huffed in frustration. “Honey, I’m in the middle of fixing dinner, and the girls are having anxiety attacks. I’m not in the mood for riddles.” “Exactly,” he said. “When I call home at the end of the day, I try and gauge the general mood of the house. If it seems relatively calm, the drama-meter reads low, a two or three. If I hear yelling from one of the girls, it goes up to a five or six. Both girls yelling takes it up another notch, and crying always rates a nine or ten. Once I determine how high it is, I decide when to come home and how much to say when I get there.” “I don’t think that’s very funny,” I replied. “I agree. It’s not funny at all. It’s a matter of survival. Since David is living at school, I’m on my own over there with three women and a female dog. Sometimes it’s not a safe place for a guy to be. You have to know how to read the situation and respond appropriately.” “I may respond by not speaking to you for the rest of the day,” I snarled. “And, no offense, honey, but that would be fine. If you’ve had a rough day with the girls, just let me know, and I’ll be only too happy to steer clear until the dust settles. I’ll just sit and eat dinner quietly and read the paper. What time should I come home?” “How about next week?” I snapped. Then, I sighed, realizing that he had a point. “Sorry, just a gut reaction. Dinner’s almost finished. Come home whenever you’re ready. I’ll try and have the drama-meter turned down to about a two by the time you get here.” “As only you can do,” he said. Three women and a female dog. You gotta feel for the guy. |