Erma Bombeck Writing Competition - Winners
2005
Erma Bombeck Writing Competition
1st Place - Humor - Global
Jennifer Brown
Liberty, Missouri
"Fling Shui for Beginners"
| Something about the yogurt splashed on my living room walls was depressing me, so I decided to take my two boys, Hell on Wheels and The Destroyer, out for a drag around the mall. We hadn’t been shopping since before Christmas and I was pretty sure the restraining order had run out, so the day had potential. As luck would have it, we were scarcely in the mall (meaning, the boys had only been ejected from one store) when I happened upon a book sale. Being an obsessed bibliophile, I pulled the boys away from the mannequin they were undressing and dragged them to the rows of tables piled high with books bound for the bin. “Any gum you find underneath is yours to keep,” I said, watching them dive in. “Oh, honey, they’ll get sick,” offered a nosy oldster standing nearby. I snorted. “As if a puny little germ could stand up to those two,” I scoffed. I was maniacally searching the books, racing the boys' jaws, when I saw it. Nestled between SUSHI EVEN YOUR CAT WON'T EAT and DO-IT-YOURSELF DENTISTRY was a plump book: THE PRACTICAL ENCYCLOPEDIA OF FENG SHUI. Just what I needed. I wrestled the boys into bed early, skimmed over what looked like the important parts, and got to work. Armed with a flashlight, I mounted an emergency search and rescue mission for the trendy decorating paraphernalia that I’d banished to the depths of our closets when The Destroyer was born. I spent the evening dusting, washing, and carefully placing. By midnight the living room was in perfect harmony. Fire roaring in the fireplace. Rocky fountain gurgling by the stairs. Oil candles on a shelf. Floor lights illuminating dark corners. Wind chimes over the doorway. I felt so good, I could barely wait to go to bed just so I could awaken to utter harmony the next day. The boys were awake before I was. I floated into the living room, bright-eyed and expectant, then rounded the corner and grimaced. Toys were strewn everywhere. A Pop Tart floated in the fountain. Cat barf on the fireplace. Dog food filled the oil candles. I’m pretty sure I saw my chi wadded up in a ball, bruised and crying uncontrollably in a corner. I sighed. Resigning myself to yogurt-coated walls just wasn’t happening, so I chose to invent a new ancient Chinese art: Fling Shui. Simply put, wherever they fling it, it stays. You’d be surprised. Legos are full of yin energy and chi flows quite nicely over a pile of dirty underwear. Besides, I still have the (spitballed, knotted, dented) wind chimes above the doorway. Surely they couldn’t destroy those…? |